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I tried to find love in a hopeless place (dating apps)

14 July 2026

 

Photo by Thirdman on Pexels.com

I have many regrets from the pandemic; the amount of money I splurged on mocha frappe on ShopeeFood and Grab, the haircut I gave myself, the hours I spent doomscrolling on what everyone else was doing, unsurprisingly gained weight from the said coffee, and—most significantly—the time I thought I’d find 'The One' on dating apps while wearing the same shirt for two days straight (in my defence, it was cold and drizzled a lot in those days). For many like me, it was a trend, it was an opportunity, especially for those who never tried dating apps and wanting to meet new people, and honestly? It was a mistake. It took roughly fourty-eight hours to remember why I as an introvert, I prefer the presence of my existing friends and zero human contact with anyone else for anything serious.

My two best friends and I were laughing sharing screenshots of our dating profiles and bio. We weren't sure how serious we should we be because we didn't know how this all worked. Maybe for me at least, I wanted to invest in it slightly more (disclaimer: I did regret it) because other than my classmates who I met on a weekly basis through their Zoom profile thumbnails, I didn't meet that many new people.

Anyway, on the dating apps, we swiped right on a guy we liked (or not) and if we both did the same, the girls get to start the conversation, which was nice, because some of the guys who swiped on us looked pretty questionable. This was for Bumble, but as for Tinder, it was free for all. You liked someone? They could get to talk to you whenever they want. Or ghost you at their soonest convenience for whatever or no reason at all. 

For either app, they also get to ghost you. Sigh, it's like they can't carry conversations these days. We'll get to this later.

On the basis of it all, we knew what these apps were notorious for but since there was also a rush of new people like us, who genuinely wanted to connect during a time when human contact was at a minimum, we thought we'd give it a go.

My first impression? It felt fun at first. Like a game. When you both swiped right on each other, a colourful firework pop-up appears. It was interesting to see who the algorithm thought our profiles and preferences matched. There were foreigners and locals in the mix. I noticed guys liked to do the same pose, always in front of a pool or a car, mostly at night (hmm). At one point, I even came across my junior's profile who I swiped right just to say hello and wished him good luck in finding the 'right one' (oh, how innocent I was *screams in pillow*), only for him to switch it around and initiate if we could try dating. I deleted that chat real quick. 

I even hit the bottom of the barrel several times and seeing the same profiles show up again. I was so confused because I was pretty sure my preferences weren't so strict—a practising Muslim, non-smoker, don't drink—surely, there must be a bunch of "clean" guys like that out there (well yes, just not on dating apps I soon realised). The more I swiped left, which happened a lot, the less optimistic I was at seeing crustier guys that looked like they hadn't showered in two days before taking the pics. It's like they didn't even try.

It's not just their profile pics but the conversations they carried that were problematic. I would drag myself to say hello and asked what their bio was about, they'd reply a few lines, which got shorter and shorter as we talked, and at some point, I was talking to a loading bubble. Mind you, these are the same guys who claimed they were in it for something serious. I was also serious to get back to sleeping and calling it a day.

At some point, it became my bedtime routine. The constant left-swiping lulled me to sleep. It worked so much better than drinking mild hot tea and temporarily cured my insomnia. I was so pleasantly surprised at this one good thing that I bragged about it to my friends who more or less experienced the same thing.

I think "the one" that made me pull the plug and called it quits for real was this guy who was really smart, book-ish (huge bonus for me), and actually intellectually chatted in long paragraphs and was interested to hear what I have to say. He was a little self-conscious about his height, but honestly? I couldn't have cared less. I was just happy to find someone with a functioning brain. 

We eventually graduated to a Zoom "e-date" (at this point, even my mom was in on the loop and wishing me luck). It went so well. We talked about literature, our shared interests, and even my highly questionable bedroom wallpaper. I was so relieved he wasn't one of those nauseatingly snobbish guys who tries to "out-intellectual" you or treats you like you’re beneath them.

I was actually starting to think, Wait… is this working?

But then, right before we ended the call, he said it. He actually said it.

"You're wonderful Wani. I'll check back with you after I filter the other three girls I'm screening."

me dying inside but still straining to smile on the outside

I’m sorry, what? What do you mean "other three girls"? And "screening"? Was this a date or an interview for a Senior Girlfriend position? Because if we’re being professional here, what’s my expected salary? Do I get medical leave?

Do you see how wild that got? I’m convinced this has to be a one-of-a-kind, original experience. The only credit I can give the guy was how dead-serious he looked while saying it. At least he was honest about his "recruitment process," I guess?

That was the moment. I pulled the plug, deleted both apps (Tinder was already a hopeless abyss anyway), and went back to my quiet, single student life.

Plot twist: I met my now-husband through mutual friends on Instagram not long after. Looking back, I realized that sometimes you just have to step back and let the universe do its thing. Meeting people naturally through good friends or family might feel "old school," but it’s a whole lot better than being Shortlisted Candidate #4.

Memories of Life on Tamworth Road

 

It was January 2003 when Mama prepared her bags and suitcases ready for one of the biggest moves of her life — to the UK to further her PhD studies. Change for our family of five wasn't just coming; it was already sitting in the living room, zipped into multiple overstuffed bags.

It was nighttime when we said our teary goodbyes by the living room. I think I mustn't have cried in front of my parents because I had always been a stubborn child, although my sisters who was a toddler and a baby at the time bawled. Still, I remember watching Abah's car leaving the corner of our street when the first teardrop fell and another and another followed. I really thought she was gone for good. I retreated to a small, shadowed corner by our wooden sofa chairs, sobbing into the upholstery. The world felt too fast, too large, and far too empty. I sat there in the quiet, waiting for the sound of Abah’s car to return, even if it was returning without her.

Our nanny-helper at the time who watched everything from behind the front curtains, assured me we would meet again. Of course, I couldn't comprehend how on earth that was possible. To a child who had never left the boundaries of our country, the UK might as well have been the moon. How do we get to her?

My childish questions were answered months later, in March 2003, when we also took part in the same journey, a flight across dozens of countries, thousands of feet in the air to where she was at. I also finally understood that the world was bigger than I could ever imagine.

Tamworth Road, Newcastle Upon Tyne

The first thing that pops in my head when I think of our first home was my large and bright Pokémon duvet and bedsheet set. I've never seen a bed like that before. Back in Malaysia, we had normal thin, cooling cotton pillowcases and blankets. Here, there was a new well-insulating duvet that keeps heat in. That first night that we stayed there, we crashed straight to sleep. Exploration of the new world could wait the next morning.

Our life was centred at 25 Tamworth Road, a first-floor flat with three rooms — two bedrooms; one for the kiddies and the other for my parents, and a cosy living room that had a mid-sized window revealing a shared rear yard. Tucked next to the living space was a tiny galley-style kitchen that served as the gateway to the only bathroom in the house. 

To my parents, compared to our old home in Malaysia, this must have been a tight squeezed space to live in for the time being. However, through a child’s eyes, those seventy square feet were infinite. It felt like the whole world full of potential nooks and crannies to hide and play.
Recent example photo of the kitchen, the bathroom up ahead. Windows face a shared rear yard.

As we didn't stay there for very long, perhaps about a year, I can only recollect pieces of memories focused on the shared living room space and my parents' bedroom. The latter, mostly because it had a window that featured the street ahead and if you pull back just far enough to your left, you will see a school playground — Westgate Hill Primary Academy. It was only less than a minute walk to that school, if we only got admitted there, but it was simply too packed with children. We chose the next nearest available school: Moorside Primary School.

In that same room too, we gathered around a television watching CD movies Abah had brought home. It sat in a makeshift, slightly odd arrangement — perched atop a sturdy, fabric-covered divan base but it did its job. One time at night, we were watching Monsters Inc. for the first time and Sulley's sudden reverberating roar scared my sister so much, that she had a meltdown and the movie had to be paused for the night. After that, we developed a family protocol: every time we revisited the movie, we had to carefully skip over that specific scene to keep the peace.
And then there was the living room—the true heart of our English mornings. We had a second TV there where we watched most of the British shows and cartoons while we had our breakfast of cereals and Cheerios (another new food in our palate). On the weekends, we'd wake up to watch High-5, Bob the Builder, Strawberry Shortcake, among others. We watched Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone on repeat until I knew some of the scenes by heart. At one point, I was so convinced that the movie was real that I wrote a letter to Dumbledore (I'm not sure in full English or mixed Malay), to ask if I could be admitted to Hogwarts. I left the letter wide open overnight in our white laundry basket by the TV only to be disappointed that it was still there, unclaimed the next morning.

That laundry basket, however, had a dual purpose. When it wasn't a mailbox for headmasters and Harry Potter, it was our primary mode of transport. In our imaginary games, it transformed into a car or an airplane. Since my sisters were the only ones small enough to squeeze inside, they were always the passengers, and I—the eldest and strongest—was the designated engine, pushing them across the cold wooden floorboards toward whatever new world we were exploring that day.

While the weekend mornings belonged to the cartoons, the evenings were often a strictly grown-up affair—or at least, they were meant to be. Mama would settle in for the local soaps, often forming a "trio-bunch" with our nanny and me. We’d sit together, captivated by EastEnders and Coronation Street. As a child, the actual plotlines were a total mystery to me. I had no grasp of the tangled webs of betrayal or the complex family trees; to my six-year-old mind, it was just a series of dramatic confrontations and endless neighbourhood gossip that seemed to revolve, inexplicably, around a pub. But even if the drama went over our heads, the language didn't. We were absolutely obsessed with the accents. There was something so distinct and rhythmic about the way they spoke, so different from the English we were learning at school or the Malay we spoke at home. We spent hours messing around, trying to imitate those sharp Cockney vowels or Northern inflections, layering them over our thick Malay accents until we dissolved into fits of giggles.

The kitchen, on the other hand, was a realm that belonged primarily to the adults, a space of frying pans and hushed conversations that I mostly observed from the periphery. But one memory remains anchored to that space: the small white window beam above the sink. It served as a makeshift greenhouse for the children's proudest achievement—a long, orderly row of egg cartons. Inside each cardboard cup sat an eggshell filled with a bit of damp soil, cradling the pale, reaching stalks of bean sprouts we had brought home from school. I can’t quite remember if it was a permanent fixture or if we were constantly harvesting and replanting our tiny crops in a cycle of suburban farming. It’s one of those soft details I’ll have to ask Mama about later, to see if she remembers the green life we tried to cultivate above the dish soap.

When boredom crept into the flat, we had an antidote for that: homemade cheese sticks. It became a full-family production, a small assembly line of flour and friction. My sisters and I would take turns rolling the dough, our small palms pressing it into long, uneven sticks until we had a tray full. Once our work was done, Mama or Abah would take over and pop them into the oven for a quick bake. The kitchen was always filled with the fragrance of warm toasted cheese.

School life

My sister and I don't have many fond memories of school, well, at least for the first one we attended. For some reason, we were perpetually running late—perhaps because the trek involved navigating a maze of road crossings and neighbourhood streets that felt much longer when the wind was biting.

On that first day, I was presented to my classmates like a curiosity from another world. My teacher introduced me as the girl from a tropical country in the Far East—a description that sounded grand and exotic, though I lacked the English to confirm or deny it. I stood there, silent and wide-eyed, the "new girl" from a place they could only imagine. The other clear memory of that day was me struggling to answer a simple mathematics question, a prerequisite to head for recess.
"What is 5 + 5? It's very easy," the teacher prompted, looking at me with expectation (they were told I was a bright student in my previous school).
Of course, I knew what the answer was. I had an early education back home but for some reason, I couldn't say it in English. Especially not the English they spoke which had that same disorienting, rhythmic lilt I heard on the TV soaps. It was a sound I could imitate for fun at home, but there, under the fluorescent classroom lights, it felt like a barrier. I stood there, trapped between a math problem I solved many times a year ago in preschool and a language that still felt like a riddle.

"It's ten. The answer is ten!" a helpful boy (who probably wanted to go to recess quickly) hissed loudly in my ear. I repeated the answer and was dismissed to which I used the time to unite with my younger sister in the crowded hallway who also had a miserable first day.

After that, we both must have forced ourselves to adapt to school life despite the bullying and teasing from the other students. I didn't know what hell was but for a kid, that must have been it. So much of what I endured in those hallways has been lost to memory. Instead, I find myself remembering to the softer fragments of that year: the slow, hushed days spent within the safety of our flat, or the rare, expansive freedom of the local parks.

Our time at Tamworth Road was only a single chapter—a quick, one-year stay that acted as our "training wheels" for life in England. We eventually moved on to our second home and school, where we remained for the next two years. Perhaps I'll share them in another post?

The Second Heel Debut at 30!

 

Fresh from the box!

Okay, full disclosure: I’m still not entirely sure what technically qualifies as "heels." Does it depend on the platform height? The thinness of the stiletto? The specific architecture of the arch? I have no idea. But here is the headline: I got heels. They are officially the second pair I have ever owned in my thirty years of living on Earth. The first pair? I’m pretty sure they still exist in a state of permanent retirement at the very back of my parents’ shoe cupboard.

We’re currently sitting in mid-April, and even though the season is winding down, the Eid festivities are still in full swing. My calendar is already starting to look a bit crowded with upcoming weddings and open houses, too. I have the outfits. I have the bag (a recently purchased, teeny-tiny thing that fits exactly one lipstick and my phone, just barely). But when it came to my shoes? Let’s just say my choices are painfully limited.

As much as I love them, I simply cannot count my ever-so-reliable Skechers as "wedding-chic" footwear. Even though they’ve diversified their designs lately, they still scream, "I am here to serve for this lady's brisk walk session," rather than "I am attending a fancy garden wedding." They’re comfortable, yes, but they aren't exactly the vibe.

And I don't know how else to put this, but this year just feels… different.

Have you seen the festive outfits coming out of Malaysia this season? They are breathtaking. Everything is so heavenly delicate, feminine, and soft. The colours are like a dream, and for the first time in a long time, I just want them. I want the soft fabrics, the feminine silhouettes, and yes—apparently—I want the shoes to match.

I want to look ladylike, feminine, and mature. Yes, I'll still latch a Bikini Bottoms fish keychain on my handbag, that part of me won't go anywhere, but the rest of me, I want to look elegant. I have the makeup look ready for it, just the shoes left.

It wasn't even a planned purchase too! We were supposed to drop by and browse at Brands Outlet for clothes, and I just happened to see these adorable bags at Dr Cardin from across the walkway... the rest is history.

I got a weddings, baby showers and open houses coming up all the way until end of May, these heels will be there for me at every step of the way. I’ll probably be carrying my Skechers in the car for "emergency backup," but for once, I’m excited!

The Nerd Chronicles: Volume 2011

 I was scrolling through social media looking for inspiration (read: procrastinating) and somehow ended up deep diving in my 2011 photo archives. Big mistake. I unearthed 15-year-old me in all her glory: we’re talking peak nerd energy, a set of shiny braces, and the most questionable glasses to ever grace a human face.

At any given moment that year, I was likely doing one of two things: on my 400th re-read of Harry Potter or questioning the entire education system because I’d been sorted into the "top class" — away from my friends and miserable about it. I was the typical, introverted shy nerd who only conversed normally if and only a new person started the conversation first. I was too nervous to say anything past hello and a smile.

I didn't own a phone at that age, but I had a Blogger account which I sporadically updated whenever I was at the dentist at my mom's workplace and had access to her work computer. No makeup either but I did love watching BookTube and the makeup video tutorials that were slowly growing at the time.

Behold! At the top of Broga Hill, Selangor in 2011.

I'm good at losing things

 

Photo by Said E on Pexels.com

I'm so done with myself that I'm willing to sit down in the corner and contemplate on what I have done. Or let happen.

For context, I've been on a many year streak of not losing my belongings carelessly as I did when I was a teenager—entire sets of school uniform, shoes, expensive bookmarks, water bottles (I know this happens very often in general), my purse (!), etc. It's gotten so bad that I wondered if there was something wrong with me in the head. Well, maybe I do, what with the bipolar and anxiety disorders thing, what's one more diagnosis to explain some of the things I do that I have mistaken for a quirky personality or other. 

But this ONE, I simply can't brush it off because it involves permanently losing items and when totalling the cost of replacing them... I don't even want to go there. Let's just leave it at that. The point is, I've always had this habit of forever losing things: whether it's from my personal body like in my hands or pockets or scattered in my environment. I either lose them or mix-match them for something else, and by the time I realise that they're missing, it's too late. I'd be too far away from them or they're taken.

Is this ADHD talking or ...?

So, my psychiatrist and I have a hunch that it may be ADHD, but before we can truly confirm this, I need to run through a test with a psychologist, and all this would take time to arrange. Losing very personal valuable items too often is one of the symptoms, among others. 

In the meantime, I just lost my brand-new purple bottle that I JUST bought over the weekend. I swear, it's the cutest 1,300 ml piece of plastic I've ever owned—it has a sipper plastic straw, a place to hang my pretty charms, and pink highlights going all over the bottle. It's different than the other industrial looking bottles I own, okay. That's just what I want to say and I lost it. 

By the counter. 

Basically, within 24-hour of filling the water bottle up and using it roughly twice, I have lost the said item.

Lmao, it looks something like this but smaller, in purple and got space to put cute charms!

As much as I am frustrated with myself, I won't blame it on me too hard. I've done that for too many years and it's obviously not helpful nor healthy. Losing things doesn't mean it's because I have little regard with my belongings, but according to psychology, it's an alarm bell for having an overwhelmed cognitive system.

  • Attention Regulation: This is my brain's director which decides what gets my immediate attention. While I was putting my handbag down at the counter to confirm with the staff my identity before retrieving the meds, I placed my bottle beside it with my other hand. I barely registered this happening because I was too nervous to speak and arrange my things at the same time. I don't even remember when I put my bottle down.
  • Executive Functions: These include high-level management skills that usually are helpful for planning, organising and completing tasks. However, when they are overwhelmed, getting things organised smoothly can be impossible. Being in a queue for something always freaks me out and maybe that time it got to me bad. I don't like feeling like I'm being rushed (nobody was rushing me though) and I was tired from waiting.

I usually have a system in place for this sort of situation: to calm down, breathe and stop panicking, and stick to the routine of taking things slowly. Perhaps this is that one time when it fails and I just have to own it and move on. As the saying goes:

Getting a handle on losing things is a process of compassionate trial and error.

I'll just get another water bottle. In pink next time.

Finding the Words After a Long Week

a laptop on a white textile
Photo by Phil Desforges on Pexels.com

It's roughly 10:50PM here and I'm not sure if I'm wide awake enough to have this written and posted. But if you see this, then I must have succeeded. I was proud of writing so consistently every day for a week not too long ago before suddenly pulling the rabbit out of the hat and disappeared. One of my close friends who is a strong supporter of my blog asked me what's up and I just didn't have enough words to describe this week in particular.

Everything feels like it’s happening at once. I went from having all the time in the world to being completely consumed by the DAK trio —Dara, Amoi, and Kelat. If you haven't heard of them, they are three of our Malaysian elephants who have become the face of a much larger, darker issue.

It’s been exposed that our endangered wildlife is being "traded" behind our backs, all under the polished guise of “conservation and research.” It’s heartbreaking because we all know these animals belong in their natural habitats or, at the very least, a proper sanctuary — not being treated like commodities.

I’ve been on a mission between drafting awareness posts, scouring news articles, and keeping the noise loud on social media, I feel like I can’t afford to take a break. There’s this constant fear that if we stop, even for a second, the people profiting from these transactions will just slip away into the shadows and wait for the news cycle to move on.

I’ll admit, it’s soul-consuming. My eyes are tired, and my head has been spinning for hours, but there’s a fire under this cause that I just can't put out. I know I’m not alone in this — so many concerned Malaysians are standing right there with me — and I don’t think I can stop until we see this through to the end.

By the way, if you want to support our elephant saving mission, sign a quick petition here!

On the flipside, I did manage to get a little break this weekend (my husband insisted) despite still swiping my phone every few for updates on DAK. And of course, what's going on in Occupied Palestine. And the Sumud Flotilla. Lots of stuff happening this week. 

So I went to a card collectibles event or the Southeast Asia Super Collectors Convention (SEASCC) at Pavilion Bukit Jalil on Saturday. Absolutely PACKED with people looking to buy, sell or trade their Pokemon, Digimon and One Piece cards. Now, I'm not a card collecting enthusiast, that's my husband's hobby but I like to support him because he's a simple man outside of his job at work. He plays basketball occasionally, watches anime, reads manga, and scrolls through social media on more sports in his spare time. That's it. So it's nice that I can get involved in something he enjoys like at this kind of event. Unfortunately, it was so crowded, I lost my kecychain plushie mail bag!! And I just had him for not longer than two weeks! I was a bit bummed about it just as exhausted as he looks but at the very least, he's still attached to my bag.

And what's me without a little wallet damage on books? I feel like it's been ages since I bought any fresh new books (not true but let's just go with my delulu whims for now) and today was the day I got some!


My Brain Has 47 Tabs Open (And None of Them Contain a Map)

unrecognizable man with mental disorder near wall
Photo by Darya Sannikova on Pexels.com
Once, I invited my sisters for a girls' hangout and we wanted to lunch at this one restaurant we thought would be cool to try, except that there was a catch. Out of the three of us, I've been to this mall a million times and so I should know this place by heart, right?

Wrong. 

I had a rough idea of where this place was, but we ended up walking wearily for ages, even caught ourselves walking in circles once, so we resorted to using Google Maps. Inside of a mall. We somehow did find the place, thank God.

Another time, I wanted to meet my husband during his lunch break at work but I couldn't find my way to his office although he showed me the path tons of times. I remember when he showed me the first few times but the moment the tour was over, and it was up to me to independently manoeuvre myself through the crowd and find what I was looking for, I got lost once again. Several phone beeps later, he picked up, I told him what happened, and he fetched me quickly from wherever I was based on the landmark I could recognise.

I can recount all the times similar incidents happened involving me being lost in supposedly familiar places throughout my life. Instances like getting on the wrong train from the wrong platform, not knowing where the car is at the parking lot, tripping over absolutely nothing while walking, accidentally hurting my fingers or elbow from hitting something mid talking, misplacing objects I just held in my hands, among others. 

I couldn't explain to people who thought me strange because I frustratingly couldn't understand it myself. I just assumed something isn't right with me or heck, maybe it's just part of my personality. Except only when it happened a lot more often than usual and I was seeing patterns, then blurted it out to my psychiatrist did they locked in on that info and pressed me further on what was going on.

Spatial Awareness and ADHD

Okay, big words. But I'll cut them down to smaller chunks.

Spatial awareness is basically your brain's GPS where it helps you to know where you are based on the things around you.

Now add ADHD to that? The GPS would still work... just barely.

People with ADHD have a different way in how their brain processes spatial information especially in the department of understanding space, distance, and where the body is in that space. 

What happens when it isn't working like it should? You get ✨ADHD clumsiness✨

If you're often blaming yourself for being careless or clumsy as I have for half my life, then you shouldn't be. These are not signs of laziness or you not paying attention... our brains simply work differently.

There are plenty of strategies to improve spatial awareness, but I’m still a work in progress. I’ll definitely share the ones that actually work for me once I’ve tested them out! For now, though, I’m focusing on cutting myself some slack when I lose my way. If you’re in the same boat, remember: there’s no shame in needing a little help, even if it’s just navigating to your favorite store. You aren't alone in this, and you definitely don’t have to have it all figured out right now.

April in Photos and a Few Words

tea cups and pillow on windowsill
Photo by Anastasiia Lopushynska on Pexels.com

April felt like it lasted a long time and that's ironic considering we had an extra day in March. But who knows what happened with last month—the dreadful heatwave in Southeast Asia here, no public holidays, being cooped up at home for most days of the week, I can go on. But time really did past by ever so slowly.

We caught rescued a kitten outside of our usual shop for snacks one random night and he's been living with us for an entire month now. Kopi, has grown so much! He used to really fit in the palm of my hand but now his belly sticks out in a round-ish way, and he wobbles when he walks. Remind me to commission another artist to draw a brand-new family group picture of us soon.

I have grown absolutely obsessed with lontong for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. It's a traditional Malaysian dish served in a bowl with sliced rice cakes, topped with sambal belacan, a chilli paste made from shrimp paste, and then fried tofu, anchovies, hard-boiled eggs, slices of long beans, and crunchy cabbage wedges. This is all presented together in a rich and spicy coconut milk gravy. I can't—my mouth is watering from just describing what I've been eating. I fear, my husband has grown sick from going to the same restaurant back and forth each week.

I discovered the only remaining copy of Paula by Isabel Allende in the blockbuster price-cut shelves for just RM17-22 at POPULAR Bookstore! This is such a steal honestly because the original price would've been in the seventies and completely out of my budget for books this month. This book is a memoir dedicated to Allende's daughter Paula who died from medical complications in 1991. It details the episodes of Allende's life and family history. I love her work in The House of the Spirits and after finishing that book, I knew I needed to read more of her work.

My book-sleeve has finally arrived which means the books I read can now safely follow me everywhere in my handbag without suffering from dents and folded pages.

In my three years of discovering Tsutaya Bookstore, I never knew they had a special section for writing guides?! I had to buy previous ones off from Amazon which I'd like to lessen and support physical bookstores instead. Anyway, I'm really into writing memoir-like essays lately, perhaps there is something in the works (!), who knows! But I need to have some foundation in this sort of writing and so, my blog here and the one on Substack will be my experimental platforms for it.

I finished reading Shirley by Charlotte Bronte. I'm glad I read it but boy was it a long read. I would give it a 3.9/5 stars and don't mind recommending it for others to give it a go. I think it's much different from her previous work on Jane Eyre and Villette where this time, her two main female characters are two people of the opposite coin, and they have such a cosy friendship which I'm honestly jealous of.

           

I ALMOST bought these books but for now they're on my watch list. The prices are very... how do you say, hurts the wallet but what each of them is about? Yes, gimme!

Okay, funny story. I was craving for fresh iced tea and Beutea is THE perfect place to get it because they always put bits of fruits in their drinks. It makes drinking tea fun (I don't know, could just be me). Anyway, I was really thirsty after walking around the mall for hours, so me and my husband asked the cashier for an extra-large cup of this tea, and she asked us twice if we were sure, which was... odd because why did she ask us as if we ordered slime for drinks? A few minutes later, our drink was ready and she called for us from the desk. JUST LOOK AT HOW GINORMOUS THIS IS. So note, their extra-large cup tea definitely fits the definition of the word.

For the first time in my 30 years of living on earth, I tried cute cafe food hunting, the one with special cakes and pastel fruit smoothies! It's my fault for playing cafe ASMR vlogs for weeks that it finally got to me and I just wanted to try it. My verdict: will do this more often.

That's my April wrap-up for now! How has last month treated you?

A quiet weekend

back view of person carrying a camera while walking

I had zero intentions of leaving the house this weekend. I’ve been out and about practically every other day this week, and my brain was screaming, “Please, just sit your butt down, rest, and give your poor wallet (especially your husband's) a break.”

But then two things happened. First, the weather today was actually nice—shockingly less hellfire-hot than usual, which felt like a sign from the universe telling me to get out there and bask in its glory. Second, I glanced at my upcoming calendar and felt a sudden wave of panic. It is completely swamped with family weddings, get-togethers, and lots and lots of unavoidable people-socialising. 

I am a very shy and introverted person through and through and I knew that this afternoon was officially my last window of freedom for the month to go out on my own terms and desperately charge up that social battery to last for at least a fortnight. My husband was also having this sneezy fit whenever he's indoors from all the cat fur flying around and we thought maybe going outside would ease it down (disclaimer: it wasn't because of the cat fur, more later). After mulling it over, I grabbed his shoulders and announced, "Dress up, we're heading out!" to which he sagged down to the bed, mourning for his afternoon nap he was planning to take. Well, too bad!

If you’re into cosy, beautifully niche hobbies—think hunting for antiques, vintage paintings, vinyl records, secondhand books, old-school comics, stamps, toys, or even getting tailored suits and custom outfits made—Amcorp Mall is the absolute holy grail. I'm embarrassed to admit that my husband and I are late to the party. This place has been a legendary spot for ages, but we only recently started becoming regulars. Today, we headed there with one very specific mission in mind: hunting down common cards to help fill the gaps in his One Piece TCG collection. Personally, I don't know much about One Piece, manga and anime, or the entire hobby of collecting cards, but the ones my husband is looking for are adorable and I had the whole day to kill and leisurely spend to help him out.

We took the train there, and honestly, I loved the long commute. It gave me a chance to just pause on the books I’ve been reading and let my mind wander while watching the world go by. 

Random train thought, though: have women’s bags shrunk lately? Like, where are we supposed to put the rest of our stuff?!

After a long lunch at the mall, we spent hours happily drifting from one booth to the next. We were actually just about to head home when a thought hit me: since we’d already commuted all this way, it would practically be a crime not to stop by my absolute favorite place—✨Kinokuniya Bookstore✨ at KLCC!

Also, until earlier this week, I’ve completely, emotionally obsessed with the BEAUTIFUL Lore Olympus series. The moment I finished volume one, I was hooked. Naturally, my local bookstore didn't have the second volume in stock—and honestly, with their whopping RM120 price tag, maybe that was a blessing in disguise. I almost passed out just typing that number.

Let’s be real: with eleven volumes in this massive series, I have to be incredibly precise and economical with my choices if I want to survive financially. I needed to do some serious price math. My mission at Kino was to see how their prices held up against the ones currently sitting, desperately waiting, in my Amazon shopping cart—give or take that jaw-dropping international shipping fee.

There’s also the tiny detail that I’m technically on a strict book-buying ban for anything outside of the Lore Olympus universe. My husband ever-so-helpfully keeps me accountable for this, which is the only reason we actually managed to leave the bookstore completely unscathed. I must have you know, this rarely—if ever—happens. Usually, I leave a bookstore with at LEAST two books secretly hidden (and paid) on my person.

We finally unlocked our front door at 10-ish PM—which, let’s be honest, is the absolute equivalent of midnight when you’re in your 30s. By the time we walked in, my husband’s harmless little sneeze from earlier had fully morphed into a full-blown flu. He probably picked up a bug somewhere out and about earlier this week, meaning all four of my cats are officially absolved of any guilt.

Right now, he’s parked in front of the TV watching the Liverpool vs. Brentford match, holding a strip of paracetamol in one hand and a lukewarm bowl of homemade porridge in the other. As for me? I’m sitting at my PC, completely surrounded by a pile of snoozing cats, writing this down. All things considered, it was a pretty successful weekend adventure.

📚Summary of Books I Read, DNF and Currently Reading 2023

20 December 2023

 summary of books that I read so far in 2023

Hello! This is my first proper annual book wrap-up as I've finally read just enough for a wrap-up. In this post, I will share with you the 11 documented books I read that made it to my finished pile, the ones that got kicked into my DNF list, the "meh", and the ones that I'm currently reading. As a blogger who is slowly rediscovering her love for reading, I always wanted to write honest reviews of the books I read.

Books that I LURVED 🥰

The Way of Kings by Brandon Sanderson 
Ratings: ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
I just devoured the first book of this epic series and I'm obsessed. I seriously can't stop thinking about the plot twists, the characters, the world-building. I had to order the next two books ASAP. I won't lie, it was a bit of a struggle to get into the story at first because I'm fairly new to this genre, though due to my small appetite for books that are different to my usual reading palate, I just thought "why not?" There's also so much going on and so many names to remember, but trust me, it pays off big time. Would I recommend this book to readers who just started into fantasy? Yessssnoooo. This is not a book for the faint of heart, but if you're looking for a high fantasy adventure that will take you to another world, this is THE book to try. 

A Little Life by Hanya Yanagihara 
Ratings: ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
So, I picked up this book again after a year and I don't know what possessed me to do that. It's still awesome and I love the characters and their bond so much. This is one of those books that make you want to erase your brain and start over, just to feel the thrill of reading it for the first time.

Deadpool Classic Killogy by Cullen Bunn 
Ratings: ⭐⭐⭐⭐
This is actually my husband's comic he bought from Bookxcess a while ago and I was bored and suddenly in the mood to read comics. I'm not that familiar with Marvel or its heroes and villains, but I knew a bit about Deadpool. This one... was over-the-top in a really good way and Deadpool was super unpredictable in his "mission" to eliminate all Marvel heroes and villains. It's an interesting and borderline "concerning" read, I'd recommend it.

Some notable mentions:
  • Maybe You Should Talk to Someone by Lori Gottlieb ⭐⭐⭐⭐
  • Britt-Marie was Here by Fredrik Backman ⭐⭐⭐⭐
  • Sorrow and Bliss by Meg Mason ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
  • My Dark Vanessa by Kate Elizabeth Russell ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐

Books that Got DNF (did not finish) 🤨

The Canterville Ghost the Happy Prince: And Other Stories by Oscar Wilde
I was a huge fan of The Picture of Dorian Gray (movie adaptation was great too) when I read it last year, so I was eager to check out more of Oscar Wilde's stuff. I snagged this a copy from Bookxcess, but sadly, after a couple of stories in, I was snoozing and bored out of my mind. Maybe I'll give it another shot when I'm in the mood for some classics literature, but for now, it's going to the shelf of shame.

The Assignment by Liza Wiemer
I also bought this book from Bookxcess on a whim when I was in the area (not that I was actively trying to go bankrupt or anything). The blurb on the hardcover edition caught my eye; it was about a class project that required students to find positive aspects of the Holocaust, which sparked a lot of controversy. I thought it would be an interesting and provocative read, but I was disappointed by the writing style which felt flat and unpolished, meanwhile the plot of the book was... I don't know enough because I dropped it anyway. It just didn't hold my attention and I doubt I'll ever finish it, which is a pity.

Books I Thought Were "Meh" 😒

The Poppy War by R. F. Kuang 
Ratings: ⭐⭐⭐
Okay listen, this book has a huge, dedicated fan base and extraordinary number of positive reviews on Goodreads, TikTok, etc. I was sold to the idea of this book the first time I heard about it on TikTok because people were just loving it so much and recommending others to buy and read it when they could. I fell for it because I thought why not since so many have rekindled their reading hobby from this, enough to pursue the rest of the series. I read the entire book, starting off strong, loved that the main female character was badass (go gurl) and she had powers, there was plenty of action, but I just couldn't connect with her on a personal level at all. I couldn't understand why she did the things she set out to do. I really tried to like it but failed, so I gave my copy away to someone else.

If We Were Villains by M. L. Rio 
Ratings: ⭐⭐⭐
I made a dedicated thread on Twitter about my thoughts on this book. I'll quote the summary of that here: "I think the book is a little overhyped, I did have high expectations for it. At the same time, I can see why some people love the book so much. You either love it or just think the story was okay, but could be better."

And I'm currently reading... 😁

  • Words of Radiance by Brandon Sanderson. I'm only 2 pages in and will definitely continue over the holidays once I'm back in full health. 

From The River to the Sea, I Stand with Palestine

5 November 2023

Illustration credits @pixifies on X

This is a blog post where I want to talk about a very important and urgent problem that affects me and many people around the world: the ongoing violence in Palestine. I have been using social media to spread what I know, but I also want to create a space where I can explain more fully the situation and my position on this crucial issue.

My purpose here is to help people understand better the continuous atrocities inflicted on innocent Palestinian civilians and to raise awareness about the huge difficulties that they face. My position is clear: I stand with the Palestinians. I strongly believe that we have to keep on informing others about what is happening in Palestine, pressure our governments and organisations to stop the war and restore the land rights and dignity of the people. Challenge the false narratives and the outrageous systematic killings by the Zionist Israeli occupation forces.

On my Twitter account, I will keep on sharing information and updates from trustworthy sources, news agencies, and individuals who are there. These sources include reporters, human rights groups, and experts who work hard to document and report on the situation. I urge you to follow these sources too to keep up with the changing situation.


✅Learn about the current situation in Palestine.


✅Documentaries on Palestine's history leading to the genocide happening in the present.


✅Books, movies, documentaries about Palestine & Supporting Them.


✅The Devastating Reality of Palestine Right Now


 #CeasefireForGaza #Genocide_in_Gaza #FreePalaestine #IsraelTerrorism

Embracing the Way I Look and Loving It

4 August 2023

I came across this cool blog post by Joanna Goddard where she invited her readers to share what they love about their looks. I think it's such a great way to make people feel good about themselves, especially when we're so busy focusing on other things that we can sometimes overlook to appreciate ourselves a little. 

I have always struggled with my body image and in my late teens in the 2010s, it was hard to pick at what I liked seeing about myself. Of course, within that struggle, there were qualities I thought “Okay, I actually look good good.” I liked how those years of taekwondo weekend trainings and swimming classes got me abs (surprise, surprise but now I don’t have them anymore). I had muscles in my arms and thick shoulders like a bodybuilder. I adored the braces that I wore for two years, coming to school in different rubber band colours covering my crooked rabbit-like front teeth as I fondly called them.

Then in my early twenties, I started to appreciate my deep gentle voice and my accent when I speak with people and in giving presentations. I discovered the wonders of eyeliner and experimented with different styles until I finally found one that suited me best. My girls always hyped me up when I nailed a fierce cat-eye or long winged liner looks. Even years later, the eyeliner is still my signature thing and I never leave the house without it. 

Now in my late twenties, I'm learning to value the aspects of myself that I used to loathe when I was younger, like being soft and girly. I would wear earth-tone skirts or wide jeans and my favourite white blouses with the puffed sleeves on a date with my husband. I like that even now, I can still test different eyeshadow looks each time we go out and he’d always notice them and comment “Damn, girl slay.” 

So what about you, what make you feel awesome about the way you look? 💃🏻

I'm Taking a Break from Twitter, I'm Reading More Books Too...

13 July 2023

 

Hey, I'm back. Sorry for the long radio silence, but I've been busy with other stuff online. You know, tweeting, aggressively and maybe a bit too obsessed with posting pictures of my new cat Nana, watching TikTok, you name it. I just felt like I had nothing new to say here, so I didn't bother. 

Okay, so maybe I should give myself a bit more credit than that. I had ideas on like: 

  • Discussing why Karens are the way they are from a linguistic standpoint. Random but I was curious.
  • Reviewing the books I read. I'm super proud of my finished books this year.
  • My weekend routine. I was curious to know if it's any different to before, when I was single.
  • Even a gratitude list, which honestly, I don't feel like doing unless it's about me adopting my cat and getting books at a good bargain.
  • My PhD journey. Update: I'm not sure what to comment on this. 
Reading books was awesome for getting me back into blogging. I love how good writers can make words come alive, and how I have to adjust to their style. It inspired me to try something like that, even if it's just a random blog post that I've been putting off for too long.

I'm also currently on a Twitter detox again because that place feels like a hot mess right now. Maybe it's just me, but I'm definitely noticing the insane amount of tea and drama on that app, arguments over somebody's tweets, very depressing animal abuse news (I can't handle that too well), etc. I was part of that audience watching these unfold until I noticed that it was messing with my mood and even conversations I share with others. I knew that it was too much when things like what was happening to somebody else and had nothing to do with me, was affecting me emotionally. I realised I needed another break, at least until whatever all "this" dies down. 

Question, has anyone tried Threads lately? The new app from Metaverse? I've been trying it since the second day after the app was launched and I have to say, it feels less suffocating. For now, my Feed is mostly of book recommendations, cats cartoons and memes, and Genshin stuff. 

What have you been up to since I last posted? Any news or fun stories to share? I'd love to hear from you in the comments. Let's chat! 😃

🚗Travelling Around Ipoh and the Places We Visited

19 March 2023

At this point, in the couple of months that I’ve been married, my husband and I have gone on a couple of trips together. Sometimes, it’s just a half-day trip to an anime or cat convention, the nearest beach to our home, or a walk at the park (mostly I’m dragged to join these). If not for those brief trips, we’d spend our weekends indoors, winding down while doing house chores, playing games and watching TV. Standard introvert-friendly things, I suppose.

But there are the occasional lengthy ones too, like our recent family vacation last weekend in Ipoh, Perak. 

Given that everyone's schedules were free and we hadn't yet taken a family vacation together, it was the perfect opportunity to travel and see the vibrant city for two days.

Also note: Two days to explore Ipoh IS NOT ENOUGH. The town may be a lot smaller than most, but it just bamboozled me that whichever corner or new street we took, there was always something to explore. If you know, you know. 

Here are just a few of the places we visited that I have photos of:

🌄 Taman Rekreasi Gunung Lang



I truly think this was the location we spent the most time exploring, other than THAT bookshop you'll read about later. First things first, I would say that parking was rather straightforward; there was plenty of space available, with the exception that it was an open rooftop parking place. Our car felt very much like an oven after we returned.

The view of the surrounding mountains and contrasting blue sky felt surreal, nothing at all like the ones we see in Kuala Lumpur in the forms of skyscrapers and high-rise condos. I must have snapped dozens of pictures of this view, almost blinding myself from the late morning sun in the process. 

Before I go on if you’re planning to come here, try to arrive as soon as it opens at 8:30 AM because the weather can be blazing hot. Plenty of trees and other vegetation around sure, but some of the spaces are open to the mercy of the sun. So, get that sunscreen on (because I sure as heck forgot mine and thus, explains my sunburn), hat and water bottle at the ready. 

Entry tickets were only RM3 per adult for the boat ride that would take us across the lake, the actual space we could explore. One boat ride later, we came across this:


A series of winding paths leading from the lake to gazebos, replicas of traditional Perak houses (at the time we were there, there were all except for one under maintenance, too bad), a watch tower, children’s playground and a spot to rent bicycles to cycle around too. The weather may have been almost unbearable, but the view and places to take pictures made it all worth it.



🚶🏽‍♀️Concubine Lane



My first impression: “Wow, this place looked a lot bigger in the pictures.” and I’m glad I wasn’t the only one who thought the same. 

True to its name, it really is just a lane except that it’s so beautiful with lanterns and street art, teeming with shops, cafes and stalls of food and souvenirs. This place was certainly vibrant with rich history and culture. Unfortunately, I don’t have many pictures whilst exploring here because it was very crowded, people were squeezing past each other in two compressed lines. To fully appreciate Concubine Lane and explore its surroundings, visit it on the weekdays or even weekends when it’s not the school holidays.

I bought a souvenir for myself and my family: cute cat bookmarks for just RM2 each from a stall. I become weak with anything cat printed on it. We also purchased a variety of cinnamon rolls: classic, soft-baked apple and biscoff from a local-owned stall while we waited for the evening rain to subside (they tasted so good!). 

🛍️BookXcess Kong Heng Ipoh



Definitely one of my favourite stops so far on this trip. Unlike other Bookxcess stores that I’ve been to, this one is completely unique as it is built or integrated inside an actual historical bank. Books are laid out on shelves in preserved bank vaults and authentic deposit boxes. There were plenty of benches to sit and read, cosy spots for pictures and cheeky neon lights decorating the walls and staircases. I could have been left there for hours exploring each room and corner of this bookstore. If the books weren’t mostly wrapped, I would have stayed longer. It’s just one of the things I’m always not entirely happy about with Bookxcess.

On a brighter note, I couldn’t help myself and went to buy a book. So much for going through my current TBR first.

🥟Canning Dim Sum



We knew this place is something of a viral go-to eatery in Ipoh so we made it our priority to have breakfast there first thing in the morning. The earlier, the better since by the time we all made it to the entrance, it was swamped with customers. We reserved one table and while we waited for it to be available, we took a couple of pictures outside where there were props set up. Also, a great opportunity to drink up that sweet Vitamin D I so heavily lack.

Once seated, we had a very friendly and helpful waitress taking our drinks. We ordered two pots of tea: jasmine and chrysanthemum, and a couple of personalised dishes. Then a tray of many different dim sums, both of steamed and fried variety were presented to us and we could choose right there and then what we wanted. Fair warning, they didn't specify how much each of those dim sums were or how much we were to pay in sum (of course, the menu sheet would help if it was still on our table). They simply recommended a few dim sum options, we pointed to what we liked, the waitress placed ticks on our order sheet that was on the table and boom, later on at the cashier, the receipt was enough to make me stutter (it wasn’t all that bad). Then again, everything did look so tempting and interesting to try, and we did go a little above budget after finishing everything. It was so good, my favourite being the Sweet & Sour Beancurd Roll. Would we drop by again if we were at Ipoh? Definitely.

Other places we visited: Miker Food, Pasar Karat Ipoh, Restoran M. Salim

Things That Happened in February

23 February 2023

Hey peeps! The weekends are just around the corner again (how is time flowing so fast, explain??) and I thought this is the perfect time to do a quick wrap-up of how my February is going, and maybe just a little peek into January too... Since you know, I've been MIA for a bit and a lot has happened.

Thankfully, I actually remembered to take pictures during these events too, so more good stuff to share! 😌

🍳Made more home-cooked foods

The month of February has seen me cook way more frequently than I've ever done since the MCO. I'm not much of a cook because I get pretty lost without a handy recipe to follow. I trust Che Nom with my life when it comes to trying out new recipes, or else things would turn out very differently. 

What I've made so far:
  • Black pepper beef fried rice
  • Chicken curry
  • Apple salads
  • Kuah kurma
Do y'all have any easy-to-make recipes you'd like to recommend? I'm dying to try something new to add to my list!

🐱Adopted Nana and had vet visits

It's almost been a month since we adopted Nana into our lives and she is simply a wonderful teeny companion to have around the home. She's adapted pretty fast to her current surroundings and from my POV, I'm getting used to seeing her zooming like a squirrel around the house. I just have to be a bit more mindful of my food whenever she's around indoors, or else the next thing I know, she's dug her little nose into my lunch!

You can read the full story of Nana here, but she's currently on medication, specifically for deworming and a few other things. Other than that, she's a great eater and loves to tire herself out by playing. The only problem I have right now is my phone storage is getting really close to being full and I take pictures and videos of her almost every day. I'm getting too obsessed over this zooming furball! 

📚Bought more books! Any tips on finding preloved copies?

Just this month alone, I've had the wonderful chance of visiting bookstores a bit more regularly. From POPULAR to Eslie Bookstore in Bukit Bintang, and even Gerakbudaya in Penang. However, by some miracle, I managed to refrain myself from hoarding all the books on my wishlist other than a few:
  • My Dark Vanessa by Kate Elizabeth Russell
  • The Priory of the Orange Tree by Samantha Shannon (Currently reading)
Books are pricey. Period. So I'm hoping that I have enough patience in me to wait for sales promotions or just buy secondhand copies.

🏖️Visited Penang for the first time!

That's right. Other than that one time when my one-year-old self was in Penang many, many years ago, I don't have any other recollection of visiting the island. I was there for a few days with my husband for our honeymoon and we had put on our "Dora the Explorer" hat while in Georgetown. The weather was hot and sunny, and we were dressed up looking very much like the tourists we wanted to be–me with the big sunhat and dress, while my husband was in his favourite floral buttoned-up shirt.





🦷Took a trip to the dentist *helppp*

Well, I don't have much to say about this one, but if you haven't been to the dentist in a while, I strongly suggest that you do. Like, very soon. My teeth were pretty okay but maintaining them would have been less of a hassle or pricey if I had followed the "every 6 months visit" thing.

🛍️Furniture shopping

We upgraded or added a few things to our home, specifically a new skincare trolley, full-length mirror, toothbrush organiser, laundry bag, bathroom shelf, and a whole lot of other things too.

🎈I went to a cosplay event 

This has to be our third anime/cosplay event so far since last year and this one was pretty epic despite its modest size. There were cosplayers and cute booths set up. I don't mean to brag but I managed to escape free from buying anything. I was this close to bringing a cute keychain or Genshin sticker home. 🥹

🧹Cleaned up my Google Drive storage 

Since earlier this year, I had Google sending me notifications saying that my storage was getting full. Not surprisingly, it was mostly taken up by videos and pictures of my own cats. My selfies where??? Anyway, I dismissed it for two good months before it had gotten to the point that it had reached 98% full storage capacity and I became paranoid if the newer pictures/videos I had taken were saved or not. 

I did consider buying more storage but... I was and still am broke. I'm already paying for other monthly commitments too, the latest being my cat. In the end, I rolled up my sleeves and got into the gritty work of filtering my files, pictures and videos. 

I'm now back to 8GB. 😵

We had a great family dinner over CNY!

I had my birthday celebration with both my family and in-laws. It was wonderful. I had so much cake and good food I'm pretty sure (and have confirmed) I've gained weight. We rarely have gatherings now that everybody has gotten busier but we had a great one on the weekends, especially during the CNY holidays. My sister makes amazing fruit cocktails and well, pretty much anything. 

💸Girly outings with "Broke Beruks" squad

My friends and I made a rule some time ago that no matter what, we'd agree to meet up every few months and have a great girl outing sessh. For now, boys aren't allowed in any of our meetups but the rule may change in the future (who knows). Anyway, during our last outing, we had brunch at this restaurant I've never been to called "Fish & Co" and the food (if you just "tutup sebelah mata" the price for a bit) tastes so good??? I'm very, very sceptical of fish and chips dishes from restaurants because based on my experience, they were almost always disappointing with the fish made of low-quality ingredients, and frozen chips and I'd go home feeling hungry like I haven't just had a meal a while ago. 

But their "The Best Fish & Chips"??? Their fish was freshly made and came in a large portion (couldn't finish mine), and so were their chunky savoury fries. They tasted good even without being dipped into the sauce (I forgot what it was).

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